Tag: methamphetamine

Crystal Meth Induced Paranoia

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]

Paranoia is a common side effect for those who abuse crystal meth. Tweakers are always paranoid that the cops are following them or that there are people outside their apartment lurking in the shadows. Crystal meth addicts will spend hours on end looking out the blinds, paranoid that there is someone out there to get them. When in reality it’s completely all in their heads. I personally never had this experience; I was never afraid of the police arresting me and I never thought there were people in the shadows stalking me. My paranoia was completely wrapped up with something else…. My boyfriend.

Over the last several months the relationship between Erik and I had become very strained. I was constantly jealous of him giving any amount of attention to other guys and was convinced that he was constantly cheating on me and doing things behind my back. Erik had his issues and he did lie to me on occasion, however there’s a very good chance that most of the time I thought Erik was fucking around me, he wasn’t.

It was my own warped brain that was convincing me that everyone was out there to take Erik away from me. Lack of trust can cause huge problems in any relationship but when you add crystal meth into the mix, you’re pretty much signing yourself up for disaster. At times crystal meth could make me feel like I could accomplish anything, I had no fear. But when it came to my relationship with my boyfriend crystal meth took away all of my confidence; I was completely paranoid and insecure.

9/22/2008
Don’t know why it bothered me. It shouldn’t have, but seeing you lay comfortable in Robert’s bed made me angry. What made me more angry is that I stood there for 30 seconds and you never even noticed me. I swear it always seems that I’m trying to fight for your attention and I’m usually left alone.

After I stood there in the doorway unnoticed I went to our room. OUR room! Since it’s our room I don’t understand why you’re laying on Robert’s bed. You’re not even talking! Neither is he! So why not go to your own room?

I admit I have a lot of fucking issues. But is it so hard to expect attention and affection from your boyfriend of nearly six months? I just wish you noticed me a little more. Perhaps you do notice me, you probably do. It’s my fault I can’t vocalize my feelings. Part of me thinks that if I vocalized everything I thought, such as this incident, you would just get mad at me. I hate when you’re angry, your face changes completely almost as if you were possessed. I really hate when you’re angry because it’s usually because of something I did. I wish you’d laugh and smile more. You rarely laugh, but when you do it tends to bring me so much joy. I love seeing you happy. I wish I could make you happy all the time, or even an hour out of the day. A lot of times I don’t think I possess enough of whatever it takes to make you happy; eventually you’ll realize this and leave me.

 

When I got sober my self-confidence was pretty broken, I was still insecure and dealing with all the pain and feelings I had been pushing away by using drugs. I was very uncomfortable at social events and was afraid of talking to people out of fear or rejection. I thought everyone was talking about me behind my back and that nobody liked me. It was Junior High all over again. This of course was not the case and was all in my head.

After working a recovery program for several years and maintaining my sobriety I have been able to build up my self-confidence and am secure with who I am today. My relationships with people are healthy now and I no longer have to actively seek out validation to know I am good enough.

When Getting High Stopped Being Fun

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]

Since I had been using crystal meth on a daily basis for the last few months I developed quite a tolerance to the drug. I was needing more and more of the drug in order to produce a decent high. When I was seeking the crystal out I was moody, angry, and volatile. When I finally got my hands on it, many times it wasn’t enough for me to feel a good high. To any normal person this amount would have probably been enough to keep them high for two days, but when I took it all it did level me out. I was no longer angry but I wasn’t high either. A few minutes later the thought of not getting a good high began to piss me off and I was quickly back at square one again; feeling bitchy and angry.


The stars were not aligning well for me at this time. I was not having good highs and even when I was something always went wrong. I would either be around people who I had absolutely no desire to be with. Or I would be out in public wishing I had someone with me and a private place to go to have sex. Other times I would be with my boyfriend Eric; he would tweak out on his computer and I would be left high as a kite sitting alone by myself. This whole getting high thing really started to feel like more a chore and a full time job than a pleasurable experience.

9/19/2008
Part of me doesn’t want to quit. I feel like there has to be some fun left in getting high. I haven’t been having much fun while being high though. I feel like most of the time I get high I end up alone. Even if you’re around, we usually aren’t talking or fucking. So I’m left feeling wired with nothing to do. That feeling sucks. So part of me just wants to use on special occasions but because of my addictive nature I don’t know if that’s possible. Who knows, I have a feeling that this drug binge is nearing an end and a new chapter is about to begin. Hopefully a happy and peaceful one where I’m living my dreams.

It’s funny how I wanted to quit but still try to be able to use on special occasions. Being able to use moderately and responsibly is the desire that many drug addicts and alcoholics wish they could do. The problem is most people with a drug or alcohol problem can’t use in moderation. At this time I was beginning to realize this. I had stated the desire to want to stop, and there were periods of times when I did stop. The problem was that something always brought be back to crystal meth. I did not have the support or tools needed to stay stopped.

When I see how lonely I was at this time, it’s a healthy reminder to me that abusing drugs does not alleviate that loneliness. There’s nothing worse than being high of your rocker and sitting in a corner lonely and depressed. For a long time I used drugs to escape my reality and tried to find some happiness in an altered state of mind. This is the point though when things started to turn for me. Getting high had stopped being fun and was turning into a nightmare; I was getting high and was still miserable.

DList.com founder Daniel Nardicio and recent owners at Manhunt blame Facebook, sleaze as site folds

Members at Dlist.com received a “Dear John” e-mail recently claiming”its not you, its us”.

The website’s owners, who also own Manhunt.com, announced they are pulling the plug on Dlist.com effective December 31st citing the fall of gay social networking and their inability to compete with the monster that is Facebook.

“There isn’t as much of a need anymore for DList,” the letter read breaking the news to the few stragglers left on the site.

Prior to being bought out by Manhunt, DList.com was on a different track under the leadership of its founder Daniel Nardicio.

Nardicio, who says he was forced out of the operation by” shady partners” told GaySocialites.com that LGBT specific social networking doesn’t work because, “we’re assimilating into the mainstream, and there’s no reason to go to another site besides Facebook.”

Get more…

Attending Crystal Meth Harm Reduction Groups

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]

Money was tight every week for Erik and I. We were paying a weekly rent of $200 dollars at Robert’s apartment. Coming up with that money each week proved to be a challenge so we had to come up with other creative ways to make money. Erik would escort from time to time which was an easy way to get fast money. We would also occasionally make a little money from selling crystal meth, however most of these funds went back into feeding our own habit.

One day, Robert mentioned to us that there was a crystal meth harm reduction class at a local community center where participants received a $20 dollar Ralphs gift card for their time. This sounded like a good deal to me. We needed the money and $20 would provide more than enough groceries for me since I was actively on the crystal meth diet.

We started attending these crystal meth harm reduction classes for the next four weeks. These classes were very different that other 12 step groups I had attended. These groups would talk about the dangers of crystal meth but would give suggestions on how to use it more “safely” (if that’s even possible). They recommended complete abstinence from the drug but were not adamant about it. I think they realized that the majority of the people who attended this meeting were there for the free grocery card. It was a way to get people in the door to teach them about the dangers of crystal meth with the hope of maybe getting through to someone.

At the time I actually enjoyed going to these classes. I listened, learned, and Identified with a lot of the things they had to say. Erik on the other hand seemed to have no interest in listening to what was being said and spent the entire time playing games on his phone…


9/19/2008
I for one actually really enjoyed the crystal meth harm reduction class tonight. So many things struck cords with me. They talked about the link between meth users and signs of irritability, restlessness, depression, anxiety, even suicidal thoughts. These are all of the things I have been feeling lately causing a great deal of strain on our relationship. Part of me wants to stop using completely but I know that’s only possible if you stop with me, I can’t do it alone. I asked you this afternoon while we layed in bed if you were happier when we were clean and sober. You didn’t respond right away and then I realized you had peacefully fallen asleep. I just don’t think we can survive doing this for that much longer.

 

Even though I was using meth on a daily basis, I still romanticized the thought of being sober and having a regular life. All I really wanted at the time was to have my own place with Erik, be happy together and do things that normal couples do. I knew deep down the only way that this would ever be possible was if we both quit using drugs and got sober. I knew Erik was not ready to give up drugs. I would bring this up to him every now and then but he tended to always avoid the question. At this time holding onto that relationship was a good enough excuse for me to continue using drugs. And who was I kidding? I wasn’t ready to give it up either.

Destroying My Body, Mind & Spirit with Crystal Meth

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column!]

Shortly after I began abusing crystal meth on a daily basis, I noticed some serious side effects and started developing medical problems. While active in addiction, my skin was absolutely horrible. I was always in the middle of an indefinite breakout. When I was high, I would tweak out and pick at my face or other parts of my body for hours at a time. The incessant picking left terrible red wounds all over my body that I would unsuccessfully try to cover up with makeup.

Picking at breakouts would sometimes cause skin inflammation that would soon develop into a cyst-like lesion on my body. I soon realized that some of these zits might actually be something more serious. My boyfriend Erik was convinced that I had a bad staph infection, he was right. Due to my heavy drug use and weakened immune system I began getting staph infections on a regular basis. At one point I had a really terrible infection on my shoulder about the size of a golf ball. Erik had also been getting staph infections but told me that mine looked really bad and suggested that I go the emergency room…


8/17/08

Just got back from ER. They had to drain out my staph infection, it was fucking gross. It had gotten so big. Erik made me go, he said it looked really bad and that they would fix it for free, they can’t turn me away, so I went. It fucking hurt, they stuck this huge needle in my shoulder and the stuff spewed out everywhere, so gross. I couldn’t look at it – it was so painful. When the nurse was taking down some information she asked for my address. Told her I didn’t have one at the moment. She asked how often I used drugs and if I was using needles. I told her I use every day but don’t inject. She gave me some speech about not doing it or something. Whatever, just fix my shoulder bitch, who asked you. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics. I hope they work. Right now I have a large gaping hole in my shoulder. Looks like a bullet wound or something. I probably should stop, but don’t want to, I still want to have fun.

At this phase in my addiction my body was in awful condition and I was extremely underweight. I probably weighed about 140 pounds, which is not a lot for a guy who is six feet tall. The staph infection healed up but over the next months, but I continued getting smaller infections on a recurring basis. In addition to all of the physical side effects of meth, my brain was a complete mess. I would have auditory hallucinations on a regular basis as well as occasional visual hallucinations. I remember walking down the street and swearing I heard people screaming out my name. When I turned around there was no one there, it was all in my head. Whenever I took a shower I would hear terrible screaming and yelling as if there was someone fighting in the room next. But as soon as I turned off the shower the noises would stop. I was losing my mind.

I had been homeless for a few months now and was struggling daily to find drugs and a place to crash. If this happened to any normal person who was not a drug addict chances are they would have stopped a long time ago. It would be absolutely insane to keep using drugs if these were the consequences. Since I suffer from the disease of addiction, I could not stop – nor did I want to. I still thought there was fun to be had despite my body shutting down and the other countless consequences. My drug addiction had a strong hold on me and I was not willing or ready to let meth go.

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