So as you all know I’m from South Carolina, but what most of you probably didn’t know is that the South really isn’t what New Yorkers believe it to be. The people there are indeed very nice, friendly and well mannered. They can also be conniving, sneaky and malicious; but that’s only if you get on their bad side. I often find it difficult to describe myself when asked to do so, because just like everyone, there are many different layers to me. I will, however, admit that I often show everyone a side of me that is honest, forthright, caring and fun. On the other hand, I have a side that tends to be a sensitive, quiet, thinker who is suspicious and scared of almost everything and everyone. I’m the most anti-social socialite there is. Truly, I prefer to be alone, but that’s my depressed side. I try not to let that get the best of me. It’s just that lately my life could best be described as… chaotic… insane… stressful. I’ve had so much going on lately, that even to this day I’m still trying to figure everything out. It’s as if my entire world has been turned upside down, and I don’t know how to land back on my feet properly.
Tag: Kenyatta Khan
Life gives us so many options that make it almost unbearable to think and do the right thing, but then again, what is that? What is the right thing? Recently we’ve lost so many great people who were influential in the LGBT community, and to the world as a whole, because of the light that they possessed and allowed to shine. This isn’t a tribute to them but I did want to recognize the fact that they will be greatly missed and thought of frequently.
I’m not sure if many of you have realized but the world is changing at such a rapid pace that even I can barely maintain. Yes I’m surviving, but that’s because it’s just what I do, survive. (Although lately I haven’t been my full happy-go-lucky self because I have been having serious health issues, which I will not go into because I do enjoy some of my privacy.) I will say though that I apologize tremendously to those I’ve offended and/or have reached out to me worrying about my well-being. I thank you all so very much for such kind gestures. I’ve lived a full life and I pray with every ounce of my being that I may continue and shine brighter than before.
I’m not writing this for anyone to feel pity for me but for you all to recognize the rare chance that people get to actually say what needs to be said before their light is unexpectedly snubbed. Every day we lose people from our community in auspicious ways and then ask ourselves why? Why didn’t I know? Could I have done something? What happened exactly? All of those questions are valid but I ask this question to you all now: what are you doing today? What are you doing to let someone know that they are valued? That they are loved just for being who they are? That you see them and recognize that they live in this messed up world too. From what I see a lot of people are doing exactly what they’ve been raised to do. Stick to like-minded people. Snub anyone who attempts to intrude. The worse I fear and have seen and been victim to are lies and tales being spread about others that we don’t even know anything about. I’m not judging anyone because I’m the last person that should ever judge anyone about anything. I have skeletons in my walk-in closet too honey, but I do know that those things hurt. Especially when you’ve known certain people for years.
It’s one thing to dislike someone because you genuinely don’t like that unmentionable thing that they possess. It’s another to judge someone you’ve never met, seen or even spoken to. You’ve heard plenty of stories but you don’t know this person to verify if any of them are true. I’ve met so many people in this scene and I can honestly say that I don’t really talk to any of them. It’s not that I believe most of them are fake, which I do. Or that they couldn’t keep a secret if I told them it’d save their life, which I wouldn’t. It’s the simple idea that I just don’t really fit in with them nor do I really want to. I don’t have the mental capacity to smile and chit chat with someone whom I know is a good person yet because everyone else is talking shit I may as well. That’s just not me. I’m sorry and perhaps that’s why I haven’t progressed to a higher ranking in the nightlife scene, because that’s usually what it’s all about. Smiling, greeting and then whispering. I’m pretty much the type of girl that says what I mean, do what I do and go where I need to go. I’m not trying to impress anyone because at the end of the day I’m still Kenyatta. When it’s my time to go I know that I have to answer to my wrong doings and I’m more than ready to accept them. I’m not saying that gossiping is the worst thing in this world, NO! I’m saying that treating people wrongly will only get you so far and every beginning has an end. When you reach your end will you…wait… can you hold your head up and say I loved my brothers and sisters and was the best person I can be? I’m just saying…
P.S. I want to thank all of my readers for reading this piece. I do ask that you do not inquire about my health but enjoy our time together because every moment with every person could be your last.
Change. Everything now is about change. Changing of President. Changing of venue. Changing of friends. There is so much change going on I feel like I’m in an unending cycle that refuses to change.
This past week was Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week and let me tell you just how much that has changed. First off, I want to make it clear that I absolutely love Fashion Week (or at least I used to). Every year thousands of people flock to NYC to see the upcoming designs and designers to display their personal creativity for the fashion world. Without fail, I’ve gone to all of my favorite designers every year… except for this one. This year, for some reason, I just wasn’t in the frame of mind to deal with any of it. To be quite honest, I really don’t care for a lot of it. I’ve changed into someone who appreciates fashion and glamour but disgusted by the attitude behind it all. I love the designs and creativity but it’s just no longer fun and exciting anymore. It’s more of a task that isn’t exactly mandatory but smiled upon. When I first started attending Fashion Week at Bryant Park and inducted into the fashion world yet again for modeling, it was all so exciting and newish! Here I am in NYC talking to, cozying up with and being admired by celebs and the people responsible for just about everything in their lives. I felt lucky and privileged. Ever since it moved to Lincoln Center though, I still see the same people and have the same chit chat about who, what, when and where, but now it’s all so mundane and forced. Plus it really has changed A LOT!!! I’m just saying.
To me, Bryant Park was the epitome of Fashion Week for NYC. Everything was hectic and crazy, and just plain fun. You could literally get into just about all the shows you wanted just by the assumptions people would make. Getting into backstage, impromptu castings for a show that a model didn’t show up for, beverages of all assortments handed around like a cheese plate at a cocktail party. IT WAS EVERYTHING! Lincoln Center tried to recreate that magic I suppose, but because of the economy and so many houses forclosing and businesses bankrupting, it lost the spark. I’m not sure about this past Fashion Week but last season’s felt empty and so much more… business oriented I guess. I suppose it is but it just didn’t feel right. Everything was so mechanical and secured, which is both good and bad seeing how a designer had something “misplaced”. I don’t know the full story so I won’t gossip, it’s un-lady like. Anyway, the Fall showing at Lincoln center was all rigid and stuffy. It was like going to a birthday party where everyone should remain seated and quiet AND THERE’S NO LIQUOR!!!! Who wants to do that, besides someone who has a drinking problem? No Fashion Week should be like going to an after party and finding Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise in a ménage à trois. Just doing things that would make you clutch your pearls, drop to your knees and begin to chant your Hail Marys!
Change can be good but it can also be bad. I suppose it’s all how you look at it. Change in economy (for the positive) good, Mitt Romney as president – bad! Finding out one of your favorite designers went bankrupt – bad. Finding out there’s an OVER sample sale by said designer – Fucking amazing! We all must adapt to the changes of this world, but with these changes I don’t believe that we should lose ourselves. Lose who we are deep inside or even if you’re in the process of figuring out that part of this journey of life, losing your beliefs and morality. Because at the end of the day, the sun has set and you always got YOU to count on! Tomorrow will hopefully come and it might not be better but it’s new and with that you can change whatever you want (within reason)! Obama!!!!! What?! I live for him! I’m just saying…
It may seem as if lately I’ve been out of sorts—and quite frankly I have–but it’s only due to my own frustration. I’ve been so frustrated by this world, our world, my world that I didn’t know how to properly channel it. So if I have offended some I do apologize. It’s been a whole season of me having female problems. What? I’m just saying…
I’ve been so frustrated that sometimes the people I encounter are not what I expect or want them to be. I have to continually remind myself they are just another person in this cruel world who is trying to maintain whatever they can. The problem lies in the harsh fact that although they are just people, they are also human and we all make mistakes. It takes a wise person to learn from these people and, taking what they learn, grow into a better person themselves. Hmmm… a better person. That also makes me think and wonder if people actually want to be better. Of course they say they do, but if you continue to do the same things and receive the same results (typically negative results) what does that say? I’m sorry to have to say this but I know that we can all be a little pompous at time. We do sometimes believe that we may be better than others, but the truth is that no matter how much you may have (friends, money, clothes, religion, family, etc.) you will still suffer. We all suffer and that is what binds us all together. For me, at least, life can sometimes seem unfair and downright confusing. I just do not comprehend some of the things I’ve witnessed, but I hope to in the future. I just don’t understand how some people can be so cold and manipulative–living lives of pretense and shaming anyone who is willing to challenge it. I don’t get how or why certain people are the way that they are. I understand life gives us challenges but it’s up to us to at least attempt to recognize them and make a choice that will provide multiple rewards in multiple areas of our lives. Right?
My life is far from where some, maybe most, people believe it should be and I halfheartedly thank them for their belief in me. I find that to live this life is to be quite lonesome. As each day passes I see myself losing faith and trust in everyone and the mere thought that I will be left alone, with no one to tell my secrets and no one to truly understand how that mere thought frightens me into depression. Don’t misunderstand that at times it’s difficult for us to truly assess situations for what they truly are but we should try to store them away for a later date and remember that not everything is how it looks. I’ve always been a smiling happy-go-lucky person but it’s our inner demons, fears and thoughts that enables our reactions to people, situations, the world. To recognize and overcome them is where our true strength lies and to appreciate the ones who see us in our true light and appreciate us is one of our greatest blessings. Yet most don’t, or refuse, to acknowledge the fact that there could be someone genuine in this world. We’ve surrounded ourselves with people who are so busy trying to be on top that we essentially step on those who are there genuinely in our court. Life can be difficult but must it also be lonely? I’m just saying…
I want to make it clear that yes, life gives us lemons and we should be making lemonade with them, but they never tell you about the bugs and riff raff that comes with those damn lemons. Or the fact that once you have your lemonade it turns out you just happened to run out of sugar and your neighbor is so stingy that they won’t even give you a lump to get you by. Or that once you get nice and comfortable there will be someone begging you for a sip of that lemonade, because in the long run we all are thirsty for something and if we only take a little bit of time out of our lives to take notice of or surroundings, I’m pretty confident it’ll make us truly appreciate the handwork we’ve endured. I’m pretty confident as well to conclude that I’ve confused the hell out of you but hey, I’m Southern and sometimes we like to talk in riddles. A big shout out to all my friends and even those I may not know as well but who know me. I truly love you guys and that is all that I need to say.
I’m not sure about you all but my life has become so devastatingly trying on my nerves that most times I sit at home confused and depressed. Lately things seem to have become difficult and it’s almost as if I’ve been cursed. I can picture it now, some deadlocked voodoo queen performing a dark ceremony over a picture that was given to her from a stalker/enemy that found my picture in a magazine somewhere. Yep! That sounds about right. Hmm… if only the bitches I knew were witches! Damn that “B”! I’m just saying.
So let me clue you all in on how much my life has sucked and how the person who cursed me should be immediately stoned, set on fire, then drowned and buried upside down with their feet and hands tied behind their back, with their mouth sewed shut and a bag covering their head AND in all the worse knockoffs of this century! Yeah, I’m just that pissed!
First, I was “suspended” from Redwood Kitchenette and Bar at the beginning of the summer because the new manager wanted to “get rid of the strong people” so he could be taken seriously. Yeah, well that worked out great! So he asks me to come back a few weeks ago to work the door for this party they were starting. I agreed, only to come to work and find just about everyone wasted and with no directions as to what I should truly be doing. The party was fun though, although it could’ve had a better music, and a better sound system. I returned to work that Saturday only to find that the man who suspended me was quitting (getting fired?) and would be leaving soon. It only occurred to me that apparently the business needed some sprucing up and was declining in customers since I’ve been gone. I’m sure some of you read my blasts about how good the food and drinks were on Facebook or Twitter, promoting the shit out of it and getting results! Sunday I was informed he wouldn’t be back period. Then Tuesday comes around and what do I see blinking on my phone–an email from the owner saying the restaurant was closing for good. I tell you, if it’s not one thing it’s another, but I know that surely something will give and that I have people to always remind me to keep my head up and never give in.
Doesn’t it just work your nerve sometimes when people say “Aw, don’t worry about it! It’ll get better!”? I know it works mine. I’m the type of woman that doesn’t handle stress very well at all. I’m not sure if any of you know this about me but I have a history of depression. There are plenty of reasons behind it, but I’m not getting into them. Just realize that when the lady is stressed it feels as if the entire world is conspiring against me and I tend to behave irrationally and become distant towards everyone. I kinda shut down until I feel that it’s safe for me to return to my former self. I hate those periods, those times when I begin to despise everyone and want it all to end. Seriously, I begin to think that I shouldn’t be nice or accommodating to people and that if I were to behave like everyone else, whereas it would be all about me, then I’d get so much further in my life. I hate thinking that way because, if I did, I’d be losing a major part of who I am. I’d lose myself and I’ve fought way too damn hard to find me and what makes me a little happy. The times when my rent is past due, my cell phone is about to be turned off, I can barely afford to eat, let alone do my hair, my makeup is on its last drops and there is no one to talk to about any of it. I know that it’s all temporary. I’m just saying that even when it seems like the world is crashing all around you, know that if you were to quit–to just give up–not only would you be giving up on yourself but also on the people that love you. Even when or if they don’t say it. I’m just saying…