[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]
Since I had been using crystal meth on a daily basis for the last few months I developed quite a tolerance to the drug. I was needing more and more of the drug in order to produce a decent high. When I was seeking the crystal out I was moody, angry, and volatile. When I finally got my hands on it, many times it wasn’t enough for me to feel a good high. To any normal person this amount would have probably been enough to keep them high for two days, but when I took it all it did level me out. I was no longer angry but I wasn’t high either. A few minutes later the thought of not getting a good high began to piss me off and I was quickly back at square one again; feeling bitchy and angry.
The stars were not aligning well for me at this time. I was not having good highs and even when I was something always went wrong. I would either be around people who I had absolutely no desire to be with. Or I would be out in public wishing I had someone with me and a private place to go to have sex. Other times I would be with my boyfriend Eric; he would tweak out on his computer and I would be left high as a kite sitting alone by myself. This whole getting high thing really started to feel like more a chore and a full time job than a pleasurable experience.
Part of me doesn’t want to quit. I feel like there has to be some fun left in getting high. I haven’t been having much fun while being high though. I feel like most of the time I get high I end up alone. Even if you’re around, we usually aren’t talking or fucking. So I’m left feeling wired with nothing to do. That feeling sucks. So part of me just wants to use on special occasions but because of my addictive nature I don’t know if that’s possible. Who knows, I have a feeling that this drug binge is nearing an end and a new chapter is about to begin. Hopefully a happy and peaceful one where I’m living my dreams.
It’s funny how I wanted to quit but still try to be able to use on special occasions. Being able to use moderately and responsibly is the desire that many drug addicts and alcoholics wish they could do. The problem is most people with a drug or alcohol problem can’t use in moderation. At this time I was beginning to realize this. I had stated the desire to want to stop, and there were periods of times when I did stop. The problem was that something always brought be back to crystal meth. I did not have the support or tools needed to stay stopped.
When I see how lonely I was at this time, it’s a healthy reminder to me that abusing drugs does not alleviate that loneliness. There’s nothing worse than being high of your rocker and sitting in a corner lonely and depressed. For a long time I used drugs to escape my reality and tried to find some happiness in an altered state of mind. This is the point though when things started to turn for me. Getting high had stopped being fun and was turning into a nightmare; I was getting high and was still miserable.