Tag: crystal meth and sex

Destroying My Body, Mind & Spirit with Crystal Meth

[Editor's Note: Brendon O'Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon's latest column!]

Shortly after I began abusing crystal meth on a daily basis, I noticed some serious side effects and started developing medical problems. While active in addiction, my skin was absolutely horrible. I was always in the middle of an indefinite breakout. When I was high, I would tweak out and pick at my face or other parts of my body for hours at a time. The incessant picking left terrible red wounds all over my body that I would unsuccessfully try to cover up with makeup.

Picking at breakouts would sometimes cause skin inflammation that would soon develop into a cyst-like lesion on my body. I soon realized that some of these zits might actually be something more serious. My boyfriend Erik was convinced that I had a bad staph infection, he was right. Due to my heavy drug use and weakened immune system I began getting staph infections on a regular basis. At one point I had a really terrible infection on my shoulder about the size of a golf ball. Erik had also been getting staph infections but told me that mine looked really bad and suggested that I go the emergency room…


8/17/08

Just got back from ER. They had to drain out my staph infection, it was fucking gross. It had gotten so big. Erik made me go, he said it looked really bad and that they would fix it for free, they can’t turn me away, so I went. It fucking hurt, they stuck this huge needle in my shoulder and the stuff spewed out everywhere, so gross. I couldn’t look at it – it was so painful. When the nurse was taking down some information she asked for my address. Told her I didn’t have one at the moment. She asked how often I used drugs and if I was using needles. I told her I use every day but don’t inject. She gave me some speech about not doing it or something. Whatever, just fix my shoulder bitch, who asked you. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics. I hope they work. Right now I have a large gaping hole in my shoulder. Looks like a bullet wound or something. I probably should stop, but don’t want to, I still want to have fun.

At this phase in my addiction my body was in awful condition and I was extremely underweight. I probably weighed about 140 pounds, which is not a lot for a guy who is six feet tall. The staph infection healed up but over the next months, but I continued getting smaller infections on a recurring basis. In addition to all of the physical side effects of meth, my brain was a complete mess. I would have auditory hallucinations on a regular basis as well as occasional visual hallucinations. I remember walking down the street and swearing I heard people screaming out my name. When I turned around there was no one there, it was all in my head. Whenever I took a shower I would hear terrible screaming and yelling as if there was someone fighting in the room next. But as soon as I turned off the shower the noises would stop. I was losing my mind.

I had been homeless for a few months now and was struggling daily to find drugs and a place to crash. If this happened to any normal person who was not a drug addict chances are they would have stopped a long time ago. It would be absolutely insane to keep using drugs if these were the consequences. Since I suffer from the disease of addiction, I could not stop – nor did I want to. I still thought there was fun to be had despite my body shutting down and the other countless consequences. My drug addiction had a strong hold on me and I was not willing or ready to let meth go.

Crystal Meth: Not Ready to Give it Up

[Editor's Note: Brendon O'Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon's latest column! Please visit Queer Planet every weekend where Brendon will be posting a video discussing this weeks column and answering questions from readers. You can email him at brendon@gaysocialites.com]

The following journal entry was written the very next day after I spent the night at Jill’s house. When I woke up the next morning I had terrible anxiety about having to go to treatment and being away from my boyfriend. I called Eric and told him I did not want to go through with it, he told me to leave Jill’s and meet him at a local bathhouse. Later in the day I received a phone call from my old sponsor Sharon. She proposed an offer to me. With the help of my parents, she had set it up for me to go to a treatment center in Florida.

7/24/08
Sharon is really pissed off at me. I just got off phone with her. She told me that she and my parents have it set up for me to go to treatment in Florida. FLORIDA!!? In the summer? Are they crazy? Disgusting!!! When I asked her how long it was for she told me it was three months! 3 Months! I don’t fucking think so, I can’t be away from Erik for that long. I swear this whole thing is set up to keep me away from him. Sharon yelled at me and told me if I didn’t go do this that she would never talk to me again. FINE BY ME. What the fuck? Who says that? Don’t threaten me! I don’t really care, it’s not like I need you in my life bitch! People think they can threaten me by saying they don’t want me in their lives? Newsflash! I don’t really care. I’m fine without you, I don’t need you or your empty threats, my life is great. I have everything I need, I have Erik and I’m in love, and that is good enough for me…

This was the final attempt made by my friends and family to try and get me help for my crystal meth addiction. They had previously tried with an intervention and 30-day stint in rehab. These things did not stick for me – I was not ready to be sober. Until I was ready to clean my act up there was really nothing that could be done to help me. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet and I wasn’t desperate enough to accept or seek any outside help. Sharon’s threat of no longer speaking to me wasn’t an empty threat; I don’t think I spoke to her again until I got sober.

The same thing went for my parents, throughout the next five months communication between them and I was very limited – I was completely okay with that. My mother would occasionally send me emails asking how I was. I would send her brief responses so she would know that I was still alive, things like “everything is fine, don’t worry.” On the other hand, I don’t think my father spoke to me at all during the next five months, which was probably the healthiest thing for him to do. I didn’t want to talk to anyone from my past and certainly didn’t want any help from them. Accepting help would mean giving up the drugs and the boyfriend, and I was not ready to leave either of those things.

Sometimes in order to help someone who has a drug addiction you need to cut all ties and let them fall flat on their face. Chances are they will act like I did and not care about losing contact with their friends or family members. They will probably be able to survive for some amount of time on their own but hopefully somewhere down the road the will reach a point of desperation. For the next five months, I managed to survive on my own with the help of my boyfriend. Eventually my resources dried up and shit hit the fan, hard. I reached a point where I was so desperate; I didn’t know where to turn to. This is when I reached out and asked for help, and luckily for me my family and friends were waiting and willing to support me on my journey into sobriety.

Trading Sex for Crystal Meth

[Editor's Note: Brendon O'Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Check it out below, and feel free to contact Brendon with comments and to find out how you can get treatment for your substance abuse problem. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon's latest column! Please visit Queer Planet over the weekend where Brendon will be posting a video discussing this weeks column and answering questions from readers. You can email questions to brendon@gaysocialites.com]

At the time this was written, my boyfriend and I’s money was slowly running out. We had bought drugs a few times and could no longer really afford to pay for them. We began utilizing resources other than money to get the drugs we wanted. Since Erik had been a using crystal meth for over 10 years he knew a lot of people in the Los Angeles area that did drugs. This came in handy whenever we needed to party. Erik would just give someone a call or send them an email and see if we could meet up and the rest would be history.

Whenever we would meet up with someone it was pretty much expected that we would have sex with them in exchange for getting high. At the time I was 100 percent okay with this, even if I didn’t necessarily find the person to be particularly attractive. Whenever I smoked meth I really did not care who I was having sex with. If they had enough drugs to give me a good high I would have sex with anyone.


July 14, 2008
Yesterday we needed drugs but didn’t really have the money for it because we need to save it for rent. Erik had the idea of calling Harold. I wasn’t crazy about this, I wanted to find someone new on craigslist but told him to go ahead since Harold was a sure thing. Harold came over and brought the drugs. Harold is pretty nice, and I think he’s like in love with me or something, he’s a lot more into me than he is with Erik, which is kind of fun, it’s nice to feel desired. However I don’t really find him very attractive… at all.. But he always brings us lots of drugs when we meet up and I usually have fun so I guess that makes up for it.

I told Erik that I actually didn’t want to have sex with him unless we were getting paid extra. Erik says he doesn’t have that much money and the money he does have he needs to spend on the drugs so we can get high. I guess it’s worth it. He came over and we partied and had fun, the drugs were good. Afterwards Harold told me that he works at a sober living, which I found odd. He says that he just parties on the weekends. That is crazy to me, I don’t know how someone could party all weekend, and then go to work, especially at a sober living. Crazy!


Harold was always a very nice guy, who was very generous with his drugs. Like I said, I never really found Harold attractive but under the influence of drugs it didn’t really matter. People who in my right mind I would not find the least bit attractive suddenly became desirable under the influence of crystal meth. This pretty much explains in a nutshell what I am like when I do crystal meth. I simply do not care about anything at all, I will do anything or anyone in hopes of feeling that good high. Looking back on that way of living is pretty sad. I had absolutely no standards at all and my self-esteem and self-worth were pretty much at a zero. Today I am able to take care of myself physically and mentally, and I hold myself up to a high standard way of living that I can be proud of.

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