Tag: crystal meth abuse

Q&A with Blue Bailey, life after porn

Recently we observed a discourse between Blue Bailey, an iconic young adult entertainer and an angry individual via his Facebook page. The person basically began cyber bullying Blue about his career in porn and his HIV status – we wont go into the details because the sentiments were being reprehensible however we admired how he handled the discourse.

This coupled with his announcement that he would be retiring from porn to pursue law prompted us to reach out to him for an interview.

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Crystal Meth Induced Paranoia

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]

Paranoia is a common side effect for those who abuse crystal meth. Tweakers are always paranoid that the cops are following them or that there are people outside their apartment lurking in the shadows. Crystal meth addicts will spend hours on end looking out the blinds, paranoid that there is someone out there to get them. When in reality it’s completely all in their heads. I personally never had this experience; I was never afraid of the police arresting me and I never thought there were people in the shadows stalking me. My paranoia was completely wrapped up with something else…. My boyfriend.

Over the last several months the relationship between Erik and I had become very strained. I was constantly jealous of him giving any amount of attention to other guys and was convinced that he was constantly cheating on me and doing things behind my back. Erik had his issues and he did lie to me on occasion, however there’s a very good chance that most of the time I thought Erik was fucking around me, he wasn’t.

It was my own warped brain that was convincing me that everyone was out there to take Erik away from me. Lack of trust can cause huge problems in any relationship but when you add crystal meth into the mix, you’re pretty much signing yourself up for disaster. At times crystal meth could make me feel like I could accomplish anything, I had no fear. But when it came to my relationship with my boyfriend crystal meth took away all of my confidence; I was completely paranoid and insecure.

9/22/2008
Don’t know why it bothered me. It shouldn’t have, but seeing you lay comfortable in Robert’s bed made me angry. What made me more angry is that I stood there for 30 seconds and you never even noticed me. I swear it always seems that I’m trying to fight for your attention and I’m usually left alone.

After I stood there in the doorway unnoticed I went to our room. OUR room! Since it’s our room I don’t understand why you’re laying on Robert’s bed. You’re not even talking! Neither is he! So why not go to your own room?

I admit I have a lot of fucking issues. But is it so hard to expect attention and affection from your boyfriend of nearly six months? I just wish you noticed me a little more. Perhaps you do notice me, you probably do. It’s my fault I can’t vocalize my feelings. Part of me thinks that if I vocalized everything I thought, such as this incident, you would just get mad at me. I hate when you’re angry, your face changes completely almost as if you were possessed. I really hate when you’re angry because it’s usually because of something I did. I wish you’d laugh and smile more. You rarely laugh, but when you do it tends to bring me so much joy. I love seeing you happy. I wish I could make you happy all the time, or even an hour out of the day. A lot of times I don’t think I possess enough of whatever it takes to make you happy; eventually you’ll realize this and leave me.

 

When I got sober my self-confidence was pretty broken, I was still insecure and dealing with all the pain and feelings I had been pushing away by using drugs. I was very uncomfortable at social events and was afraid of talking to people out of fear or rejection. I thought everyone was talking about me behind my back and that nobody liked me. It was Junior High all over again. This of course was not the case and was all in my head.

After working a recovery program for several years and maintaining my sobriety I have been able to build up my self-confidence and am secure with who I am today. My relationships with people are healthy now and I no longer have to actively seek out validation to know I am good enough.

Attending Crystal Meth Harm Reduction Groups

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]

Money was tight every week for Erik and I. We were paying a weekly rent of $200 dollars at Robert’s apartment. Coming up with that money each week proved to be a challenge so we had to come up with other creative ways to make money. Erik would escort from time to time which was an easy way to get fast money. We would also occasionally make a little money from selling crystal meth, however most of these funds went back into feeding our own habit.

One day, Robert mentioned to us that there was a crystal meth harm reduction class at a local community center where participants received a $20 dollar Ralphs gift card for their time. This sounded like a good deal to me. We needed the money and $20 would provide more than enough groceries for me since I was actively on the crystal meth diet.

We started attending these crystal meth harm reduction classes for the next four weeks. These classes were very different that other 12 step groups I had attended. These groups would talk about the dangers of crystal meth but would give suggestions on how to use it more “safely” (if that’s even possible). They recommended complete abstinence from the drug but were not adamant about it. I think they realized that the majority of the people who attended this meeting were there for the free grocery card. It was a way to get people in the door to teach them about the dangers of crystal meth with the hope of maybe getting through to someone.

At the time I actually enjoyed going to these classes. I listened, learned, and Identified with a lot of the things they had to say. Erik on the other hand seemed to have no interest in listening to what was being said and spent the entire time playing games on his phone…


9/19/2008
I for one actually really enjoyed the crystal meth harm reduction class tonight. So many things struck cords with me. They talked about the link between meth users and signs of irritability, restlessness, depression, anxiety, even suicidal thoughts. These are all of the things I have been feeling lately causing a great deal of strain on our relationship. Part of me wants to stop using completely but I know that’s only possible if you stop with me, I can’t do it alone. I asked you this afternoon while we layed in bed if you were happier when we were clean and sober. You didn’t respond right away and then I realized you had peacefully fallen asleep. I just don’t think we can survive doing this for that much longer.

 

Even though I was using meth on a daily basis, I still romanticized the thought of being sober and having a regular life. All I really wanted at the time was to have my own place with Erik, be happy together and do things that normal couples do. I knew deep down the only way that this would ever be possible was if we both quit using drugs and got sober. I knew Erik was not ready to give up drugs. I would bring this up to him every now and then but he tended to always avoid the question. At this time holding onto that relationship was a good enough excuse for me to continue using drugs. And who was I kidding? I wasn’t ready to give it up either.

A Toxic Mix of Crystal Meth & Codependency

[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! For help with addiction please visit Treatment 4 Addiction]

Erik and I had been together for a little over six months. The relationship we had with each other was toxic, unconventional, and codependent. I was completely reliant on Erik for everything and didn’t want to do anything without him. This was largely due to the fact that I had pretty much pushed everyone else out of my life. All I had was myself, Erik, and crystal meth; nothing else mattered to me. Erik and I would do drugs and hook up with other guys pretty much on a daily basis. We had an understanding that we would not have sex with other people separately, it was always together. It’s pretty clear to me now that once you add heavy drugs into the mix of things, that rule was null and void.

Erik and I would have blow out fights about twice a day. The smallest things would set one of us off, which would quickly escalate into a screaming match, leading into punches being thrown, followed by crying, and finally a make out session with reconciliation. The relationship was a complete mess, but I had become so codependent on Eric and didn’t know any other way to live. One night I had discovered that Eric had slept with someone else behind my back. I of course was furious and caused a scene that would rival those in a Spanish telenovela…


9/17/08
You say I have no life that sometimes I wish we never met. My life would be a much more simpler and happy. You twist my words around, and you always make me look like I’m the crazy one! I’m the bad guy! I always end up having to apologize to you even if it seems that it was you that started the whole mess! You cheated on me on our 6 months anniversary and somehow you managed to make me feel like I was the bad guy, the psycho, the one with the problem! How the fuck do I put up with this? And why? Why do I allow my life to be ruled over by you? Sick and tired of the bullshit.

 

Of course I wasn’t really over it. I threatened to leave Erik on a weekly basis but could never bring myself to do it. If I left Erik I would be forced to face the music and get sober. I was definitely not ready for that. Even though I was completely miserable most of the time my brain had convinced me that this was normal and the way I should be living. My mind told me that drugs would make me happy and be the solution to all of my problems. Although our relationship was the poster child for dysfunction I couldn’t imagine my life without out him. I needed him to survive this dangerous lifestyle I had become so accustom to.

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