[Editor’s Note: Brendon O’Rourke is the GaySocialites.com Substance Abuse Specialist. Each of his columns, like the one below, features editorial content from Brendon as well as a excerpt from a journal he kept while in his active drug addiction. Make sure you come back every Thursday for Brendon’s latest column! Please visit Queer Planet every weekend where Brendon will be posting a video discussing this weeks column and answering questions from readers. You can email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org]
The following entry was written shortly after my boyfriend Erik and I and quickly used up most of our money. We were no longer able to afford the hotel we were staying at so we moved back in with Erik’s alcoholic friend Tom. Tom did not want us there and made it very clear that this was only going to be for a few days. This development started to freak me out as I had no clue what we were going to do in regards to having a place to live. I ended up calling my old sponsor Sharon and asked her for some help or advice. She told me that if I met her at a meeting she would help me. I followed her direction and met her at a meeting that night. Sharon said had been in contact with my parents and was working with them to figure out the best way to help me.
So I’m spending the night at Jill’s apartment. Met Sharon at a meeting earlier tonight, it was nice to see her. She asked me if I was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. Ummmm I guess so? I dunno. Who asks that? Anyways she, Jill and my parents are trying to plan something to get me some help, so I’m staying with Jill until they figure that out. Finding out more in the morning.
I’m kind of scared and don’t feel good at all. I really miss Erik… He came to the meeting with me and Sharon, but he just stayed outside, then Jill came to pick me up. I asked her if Erik could stay over as well, she said no. Not surprised, she hates him. Erik said it would be good to spend some time apart and that everything was going to be ok. I couldn’t fucking believe he would say that! WHY? I love him so much, I just want to be with him tonight. I feel so lonely now, and really upset. I’m scared about what’s going to happen. Jill looks at me differently, it’s annoying, hellooooo I’m the same person. She brought me to Taco Bell which was nice. I just feel really weird right now, like I feel like I’m making the wrong decision, my stomach hurts and I miss my boyfriend SO MUCH!!! I feel like everyone is trying to keep me away from him and that everyone is against us. Everyone hates him, they don’t understand that I’m SO SO SO in love with him. Nobody does.
The next day after Jill went to work I called Erik and told him I didn’t think I could go through with it and didn’t want to go to treatment. I wasn’t willing to walk away from him and give up the lifestyle we had been living. Erik was the first boyfriend I ever had and I fell head over heels in love with him. It got to the point where I was completely co-dependent and could not imagine doing anything without him being there. I almost feel that I was more addicted to being in a relationship with him than I was to crystal meth.
If Erik had not been in the picture I probably would have gone with the plan that my parents, Jill, and Sharon had set up for me. However, at the time I was completely in love with him and could not imagine being separated from him for any length of time. I by no means blame him or hold him accountable for my drug addiction. I was using drugs on a regular basis way before he came along. Erik provided me with companionship and also provided a way for me to survive while doing drugs without the financial support of my parents or anyone else. I was completely addicted to him, the drugs, and all the drama that came with it.