It’s a horror story I’ve seen too many times. Someone daring enough decides to order the dreaded martini in a crowded bar or club. Usually ranging anywhere from $7-15 a pop depending on the location, the martini was refined during the Prohibition era and has been enjoyed by quite the number of individuals. Anyway, I digress. Back to the train wreck about to happen. So, you’ve ordered a martini, got it, paid for it, turn around and some obnoxious asshole bumps into you spilling 3/4′s of that aperitif on you, the floor, and any other innocent bystanders around who now hate you for soiling their v-neck shirt.
Truth be told, I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. I normally no longer order these in any bar or club anymore as it’s just not feasible. I have nearly gotten into a fist fight with a guido who decided to be a schmuck and mouth off to my dapper ass along with his cheap Jersey trash girlfriend one night after he idiotically crashed into me. “What’s your fucking problem, asshole,” the dickhead with orange skin spouted. “Besides spilling my drink; I have issues with your disgusting hair and your girlfriend wearing countless fashion violations,” was my cunty reply. Needless to say, Snooki was wise in keeping her dog at bay that night as I wouldn’t be the one going to jail. Here’s the thing… I don’t fight back. “He put his hands on me and called me a fa**ot, officer,” is all I’d have to exclaim while pulling together what little acting ability I have and the case is closed.
So, a word to the wise, stick to heavy handed vodka and sodas. You’ll be thankful. Or, if you don’t want to listen, stroll over the Nowhere Bar (322 E 14th St # 1) and ask the bartenders to mix you up an old-fashioned martini. Trust me, it’s the perfect setting and they won’t disappoint. Wait… what the hell was this story about originally? Clink, clink, another drink!